Monday, December 10, 2012

How I'm making it.

     I didn’t want to be an inspiration. I wonder if sometimes that’s what people want least of all. I remember telling a friend from church that he was an inspiration to me. His young son had been hit by a car and killed. If the loss of a child is not bad enough, I couldn’t imagine the shock and horror of it happening suddenly. We went to the memorial service for the boy at our church. People were positive and told good stories of the boy. His dad got up near the end and stated how his faith in God was still there. I thought that was incredible. I hugged him on the way out of the church and thanked him. I told him he was an inspiration.
     Only about 10 years later I was at a memorial service for my own daughter who had battled cancer for three and a half years died at home in our arms. The day of the service was beautiful. I think I got it then. At least I got why the family who lost a child was cheerful the at the memorial service. I’ll go into that later. I too stood in front of the church and shared a story about Naomi and how I knew she was with her heavenly father.
     Through that whole time and for months after, I don’t know how many people came up to me and said something to the effect of “I can’t imagine what you’re going through”. Hearing it so much grew tiresome. But I understood that people meant well when they said it.
     The weeks and months that followed Naomi’s death were some of the hardest of my life. I made it through, but not intact. It was years of depression, denial and confusion before I finally sought real help. And after that it was still a long time before the sun really began to warm me again. I still have cold and dark times, but it’s different now. I know how to get out.
     The ten year mark of Naomi’s passing may have been more difficult than the 9 year mark only because of people’s tendency to count by tens. Each year that passes might be a little easier. But each December 7th hurts. This coming February 10th Naomi would turn 17. That day will hurt too. I often wonder what she would look like and if her hair would still be so light. Who she would be friends with and what kind of things she would like to do. She liked princesses and ballet. Would she have grown out of it and be into Star Trek instead? Would she have sung in the church choir? At every hospital, she loved the staff and everyone loved her. She was a fireball of strength and determination. She was an inspiration.  
     I made it though the 7th of this month. I will try to make it through the rest of December. So far, no-one has told me that I am an inspiration to them. But I do get told other things. People say they pray for me.
     The day of Naomi’s memorial service I was joyous to see people there to share that with us. Most people there were sad, mourning. But I couldn’t help but be happy in the knowledge that they loved us, were thinking of us and supported us. I got it on that day.
     People say they can’t imagine what we’ve been through because they want to share the pain with us. Why would anyone want to know the feeling of losing a child other than that they love the people that are hurting enough to want to share that?
     I still have a rough time sometimes. But like I said, I know how to get out. And I don’t do it on my own. I never could. I have a support team now. I have other people who are there for me.
     So maybe knowing that someone has endured a tragedy and made it through still loving The Lord is an inspiration. Some people find it very uplifting to hear stories like that. But I just want to share what inspired me. That was people like you.
     I never would have made it these ten years with my faith in God intact without my brothers and sisters in Him. I have been prayed for, fed, looked after, rebuked, and guided. That, to me is inspiring.
     I don’t know if I’m imagining tragic stories in the news being amplified at this time of year or if I’m more sensitive to it all. But hearing bad news about bad people can ruin one’s day. I just want to say that I think that the bad guys in the world, whether or not they are a majority, cannot endure against the strength of what is good and inspiring in this world. Maybe the good doesn’t get attention because all it does is set things right where no-one notices. But there are good people in the world. They inspire me. Most likely you are one of them. Thanks for the inspiration.

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