As
part of my participation in My
500 words, I am posting what I write each day.
With most of my writing, I try to offer some
kind of answer or solution to whatever I’m talking about. If it’s a life story,
I might say how it changed me. I don’t have an answer today. It’s just what I’m
thinking about.
When Naomi was diagnosed with
cancer, the doctors kept calling it Neuroblastoma, so I did too. When I called
a friend out of state to ask for prayers, that was the first time I said it.
“Naomi,” I said, then I paused with the realization. “Has cancer,” I managed to
get out.
Some people want to personify
cancer or imagine it as some awful beast. They talk about battling cancer,
fighting it as if it’s in a boxing ring, or maybe more accurately fighting it like
a knight and a dragon. It’s all about winning the fight, losing the fight means
losing your life.
But I read something in of
all places, a young adult fiction book. One doesn’t win over cancer for any
other reason than the right medical care, the grace of God, and sometimes just
pure luck. Sometimes those factors fall into place for people and the cancer is
overcome. Other times…no.
So here I’m going to say something that I
believe is true, no matter how utterly horrible it sounds. Sometimes this happens: No matter how hard
someone fights, no matter how much they want to live, and yes, regardless how
much prayer is being lifted up, they die anyway. They die anyway.
Naomi fought like a furious animal sometimes
when it just came to a needle stick. One time it took four nurses and me to
hold her down. And when that happened, I couldn’t help but be proud of her. I
saw what a fighter she was. If cancer was a personified being, she would have
cleaned its clock. Naomi got superior medical care and responded to it. She
went into remission twice. But the cancer kept coming back.
And prayer. We had friends around the world praying
for her. I prayed all the time. Every time I saw a falling star I would say a prayer
instead of making a wish. There was no shortage of prayer for her. But still, she’s
gone.
I don’t like to imagine cancer as a monster to
be fought. It’s human cells dividing and multiplying in a way they’re not supposed
to. Cancer has no evil mind that malevolently selects victims, letting some live
and taking others. And in many cases, it’s no-one fault that it happens. While plenty
of cancers are brought on by unhealthy lifestyles, many others, including the ones
that affect children, just happened.
And this week a family lost a wife and mom. There’s
no making sense of it. She didn’t want to die, she got medical care and we prayed
for her and she died from the cancer just the same.
I struggled for years with God over losing Naomi.
And I finally had to just keep believing in His love and His sovereignty, regardless
of what I felt. Some things, there’s no understanding. Why the fall of man included
diseases that create empty chairs at the family table is something I will never
understand.
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