One
of the things about trying to walk the straight and narrow is that I have to be
honest with myself and others. And I have to admit that no matter how much
better I am than I used to be, I still have a tendency to lapse into my old
mentalities.
I
don’t just do custodial work at church. It’s more than just cleaning bathrooms.
I also take care of the buildings being locked and secure. Anyone who knows me
will agree that I tend to be a little anal about things being the way I think
that they ought to be. This attitude got me in trouble a few years ago when it
was coupled with a self-destructive state of mind and a disregard for reality.
I hit bottom back then and finally got into Celebrate Recovery. I’m thankful
that Celebrate Recovery has given me the tools to stay clean. I wouldn’t have
lasted this long. And I still use them.
At
work, I tend to be a stickler for security. I don’t like random people showing
up and using the facilities without making a room reservation. I like to say
it’s about security. But I think it might be more than that. Before our
church’s Halloween Harvest Carnival began, I made it clear that our secondary
building that wasn’t being used needed to be locked up for the night. Restrooms
would be open in the main building only, and that would be enough.
I told everyone I
thought might want to get into the building that they would need to be
responsible for letting themselves in. Only people with keys could get in. This
was a change from last year when people went in and out of the building to get
needed items from the kitchen. Not this year, I thought.
I
overheard someone asking if the building could be open that night and another
person answered that no, Dave wanted the building to stay locked all night.
This overheard exchange delighted me.
That
night, only authorized people were able to get into the building. Or so I
thought. A couple times I found people hanging out or even (gasp) using the
restrooms. I politely told them that the building was closed and made sure they
left.
And
I was oblivious to how I was being. So then the next night a brass band started
practicing on the stage above where our Celebrate Recovery was meeting. I
walked up the stairs and told them that we were having a meeting downstairs and
they couldn’t practice there. They looked surprised and packed up and practiced
in the foyer instead. The next day I looked at the schedule calendar and
discovered that they had been given permission to be there. I was stunned. Then
I was embarrassed, ashamed and miserable. I remembered the face of one of the
musicians when I told them that they couldn’t be there. He looked sad.
I
realized what a schmuck I had been, and not only that night to the horn
players. Even on Halloween night, I went around indignantly closing the doors
if someone left it open. I took it very personally if people didn’t keep with
my wishes. When I started thinking about how I was feeling that night, I was
pleased when I overheard people saying the building needed to be locked because
that’s what Dave said.
The reason I was
pleased was because I felt the world
bending to my will. I am a control freak.
So I started
thinking about a worst-case scenario. People get into the building. They
couldn’t really steal anything big and not be noticed. Kids might run around
the hallways. So what’s that to me?
Someone would have found them and shooed them out. Oh dear, what if
people had used the restroom? What if someone took a dump in a urinal? Was that
a worst case scenario? Because I could handle that. I’m a custodian. I’ve seen
some gnarly stuff.
But no, a worst
case scenario was not any of those things. I had to think for awhile on this. I
had to relax and be as honest with myself as I could be. That’s not an easy
thing to do. But when I did, the answer came to me. The worst thing that could
have happened was this: things wouldn’t have gone my way. Things would not have
been under my control.
And when I
realized that, there was a shock but a little bit of a relief too. Sure I would
rather clean up crap from a place where it doesn’t belong. Do you see what I’m
saying? I would rather put things the way I think that they should be. A lot of
the time on my job I am doing what’s right. I don’t think most people want to
see what I’ve seen and I’m doing what’s best for everyone by making things
right. But sometimes I judge things without thinking of other people’s needs or
feelings and I act out of line.
So I apologized to
our music pastor who told the band they could be there. I was dreading the
apology but he’s a man full of grace and I felt so much better afterword. I
asked him if I could apologize to the band when they got together next. I am
dreading this too, but I need to do it and I think I will feel better after.
Making amends is like cleaning up stuff that doesn’t belong there. With the
right tools, it can be done.
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