I
have been doing the best I can to wake up at 6 every morning. Mondays I write
my blog, or polish it if I wrote it the day before. Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and
Thursdays I have been trying to write my memoir. I want to write a novel that
tells the story of my life with the loss of Naomi and the subsequent years of
recovery after. It’s not going how I thought it would.
I
have discovered this: A memoir is like a river. As fond as I am of the road
motif, this writing is not like a road. There is no fixed centerline that I can
set my sights on and aim for as I stride away. No, this writing is like a river
that must take its own course. It moves forward, sometimes gaining speed and
power is it rushes down. Other times it ambles along so slow that stagnation
gathers that I have to skim off. But like a river, I have not been able to
direct this story, not yet. It is meandering all over the place and I have to
follow it.
Keeping
with this river analogy, there is something else that this writing project is
doing. A river will cut through existing earth and
rock to make its way, sometimes exposing things long hidden. As I write this
and allow it to go where it will, fascinating little nuggets are appearing.
I
wanted the memoir to touch a little on my childhood. There are a few things
from my past that decidedly shaped who I am. I thought I would write about
them. And I haven’t stopped writing about my past. Most days I will sit down
and think that by the next day, I’ll be ready to write about Naomi. It hasn’t
happened yet. What I do have are a jumble of incidents from my growing up.
Whether or not they make it into the final draft is not important now. This is
a very rough first draft.
I
was writing about when my sister was born. I’m sure my parents were very aware
of how a child could feel alienated when a new sibling enters the family. I
don’t remember feeling anything negative then. What I do remember is that my
dad gave me a Matchbox car. It was the larger sized car, about the size of an
adult fist. It was a gold colored Cougar. I loved cars back then and it was
probably one of my favorites.
So
as I wrote about my sister being born, the story turned to a gold colored
Cougar. Then I remembered living in Hawaii years later and telling my dad how I
didn’t have the car anymore. I might have left it in Arizona when we moved. But
I couldn’t remember having it there the last year or so. My dad told me that it
had probably been lost in the sandbox. Then my dad launched into an imagined
scenario where the grandkids of the pastor living there would be digging in the
sandbox. They would see a glint of the car and shout that they had struck gold.
They would be cheering for joy and then pull the gold colored Cougar from the
sandbox. Oh well, it wasn’t gold, but at least they had found a treasure
anyway.
I
was amused by my dad’s story. But I knew at once it wasn’t true. I never took
my die-cast cars outside to the sandbox.
But
if, say my buddy Chuckie had taken it out and in fact, buried it in the
sandbox, which was possible, I knew no-one would have found it. I buried a dead
grasshopper in the sandbox once. A few days later I dug where it was to check
on it. I couldn’t find it. I dug and dug and searched all over and the dead
grasshopper was nowhere. I was baffled and frustrated. And I had no notion of
decomposition.
Writing
my memoir is like a river going where it wants and uncovering things that I
thought were gone. Last week the memoir struck a glint of gold. Is the story
significant to the memoir in anyway? I don’t think so. But it reminded me of
something else. I was convinced that the Cougar was not in the sandbox. Only
Tonka toys that were meant for outside went there, never the nice little cars.
I knew who I was, what I believed and what my character would and would not do.
To me, knowing all of that is absolutely the most important thing in writing.
Everything
that goes into what I write is a communication of who I am and what I believe. This
first draft that I’m working through is mostly stories that the final draft will
never see. But this is still something I feel I must do. The river of the story
is producing stones that will form a foundation. And I am learning more about who
I am by what shaped me in the past.
It’s
slow going. Last November I wrote the same in three or four days as I have written
so far on this in a month. And I’m concerned that the second draft will be harder
work than the first, where it will be time to be more structured. The centerline
will need to be staked. But for now, it’s still a voyage of discovery. Even though
I will never know what happened to the gold colored Cougar.
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