When
I started blogging I wasn’t sure what I was doing. I’m convinced that the more
I write the better I can be at it. Looking at my first few months of blogging
is proof. It took over a year to really find my voice in what I was doing. And
it isn’t just the form and sentences, which are what needs the most practice. Over a year ago Prajna suggested that I change the content of my
blog and begin to tell what God is doing in my life. Make the blog more
topical. Up until then I could pull any story out of my past and just write it
out, give it a clever title and there was that week’s blog. When I started
trying to write more of what was going on in my life a couple things happened.
The overall quality of Roadwalker
improved and it got a lot more difficult to think of a good topic.
Over
the past months I took a vacation and also gave my testimony. I had plenty to
write about. When another hen went broody I asked Nathaniel to take a few
pictures of me treating her so I could blog about that. Then things stopped
happening, or at least I stopped observing things happening. I talked to Prajna
about how I actually was feeling dismay about my upcoming blog. It began with
me telling her that I was talking to my favorite hen, Suzie about how I get
anxious about blogging lately. Suzie will sit in my arms and softly question me
as I tell her that maybe I’ll never write anything good again. I confessed how
I sometimes get. I just want to give up writing and blogging completely. Prajna
however stepped up and diagnosed me. She told me how hard I’ve been working
without much of a break. I argued that I’ve had a pretty easy week at work, and
a vacation a month ago. Prajna she reminded me that the events at work and a
lot of minor commitments added up to a lot. She knows that I refuel best when
I can get away for a while by myself. And whenever someone doesn’t enjoy
something that they normally look forward to, she said, that can be burnout.
I
didn’t think it was burnout. I thought I just would never think of anything to
write about anymore. But I
went online and looked at Mojave Desert Preserve and Death Valley and made up
my mind to go out to Death Valley sometime in October. It’s still almost two
months away, but I can look forward to it and that will help. As for my
writing, I had written down a little phrase while vacuuming the other day and
thought that maybe I could make something of it. Maybe it would be mediocre,
but at least I would be writing and could go out and tell Suzy the hen that I
pulled it off one more time. For at least one more week I wouldn’t give up.
Last
night Prajna and I were talking about Celebrate Recovery and all the potential
it has. We were talking about what a mistake giving up can be. She said: “You don’t see the miracle if you
decide to throw in the towel.”
I
looked at her like she had just pulled a fresh, buttery soft pretzel from the
oven. I asked her to repeat it which she did and she admitted that yes, she had
thought of that herself, but I could use it. I wrote it next to my computer.
You
don’t see the miracle if you decide to throw in the towel. There have been
plenty of times when I didn’t give up when I should, but that was out of
nothing but pride. I could write a whole entry on that. But I was reminded by
Prajna’s words that if I did just choose to sleep in on a Monday morning, ask
someone else to make breakfast and feed the chickens and do my laundry on
another day and just sleep ‘till noon and write nothing, then what? Then I've done nothing.
The truth
is that God works in my life every day and maybe it’s not something fascinating
enough to share, but there always has to be something that I can pass on. This
blog is a writing exercise and that means that even if I have a dull point I
can present it well.
So
was all of today's musing of writer’s angst leading up to the conclusion that
something will always step in and save me? No. What happened this week was that
I wanted to give up. Then I didn’t because I was inspired to write about
inspiration. And the anxiety may still be there if next week I don’t have
something to share. I might be right back where I was, wanting to sit in the backyard with a hen on my lap asking
what to do. But Prajna spoke 13 words that I can try to stand on and press forward
with. And if they work in a little hobby like writing, I should imagine their potential
in the real world.
By
the way, I don’t own those 13 words even though Prajna gave them to me. (I keep
telling her that her blog could be outstanding with her wisdom.) If anyone needs
to write them on a notecard and use them, feel free. If, in fact someone would rather
sit and hold a friendly hen and whimper they can do that too. This week I pressed
ahead. I hope if someone else needs to, they can use the words and not play chicken.
One last note. This is Roadwalker post #200. Thanks for sticking with me-
David
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