The
tired old adage says that change is inevitable, except from a vending
machine. Change has always been a
difficult thing for me to come to grips with.
I suppose it was the same for the dinosaurs too. They resisted it for millions of years and
look where it got them. They’re a hot
commodity now, selling for over four dollars a gallon.
When
I started college I stepped into a new environment where no-one knew me. I could have completely re-invented
myself. Instead, I kept wearing the same
imitation black leather vest and continued to chew toothpicks and act like
American Muscle Cars and Bruce Springsteen could solve the world’s
problems. I started out with a pretty
good GPA but by the end I was an irresponsible mook. I did change, it just took four years and it
wasn’t for the better.
Back in
those years I claimed to be a rock that wouldn’t change. I did though.
After college I was a little more responsible once I got a job I
liked. But I was still pretty self-seeking
and unmindful of the future. I didn’t
try to make any real conscious change in myself until I quit smoking. A lot of things changed in my life right
around then. For the most part I became
less selfish because I had a significant other person in my life.
But 10
years after that there was some serious decay in my character. While I didn’t make mindful changes in
myself, I descended into a pit. I didn’t
start to get better until I did something that I had resisted most of my
life. I had to reach out for help. But I got better. On Friday, July 27th I will be
giving my testimony at the group that helped me get better. Okay, I’m better now. Can I relax?
In my life now,
I get up early most mornings and am responsible for breakfast. I don’t succumb to any addictions other than
coffee and maybe too much food. I love
my job. While some days are better than others, I love being home with my
family and we all love each other. Everything
seems to be cool.
But that
isn’t the happy ending of the story.
While I may feel like I’m done changing for the better and can now relax
and sip coffee, I am getting more and more uncomfortable. It’s been a nice break in the slow lane for a
year or so. But I am beginning to be
worried that it is too comfortable. What
could be better than this humble life of a father, amateur writer and
professional custodian? Why can’t I just
let it be? Because those years I was
resistant to change I went on changing anyway as my world changed around
me.
So I have gotten
to my feet. The break is over. Last week I started a new Monday night step
study. I have given up one of the two
nights off I have each week. I gave up
working with a kid’s group that met Mondays.
I have committed to a year of it and I am in leadership. So now do I feel better? Absolutely not. Which probably means I’m doing the right thing.
The first step
study I went through pretty much brought me back from the spiritual dead. This time there are more subtle character flaws
that I may have been hanging onto even harder for even longer. This could be a tougher slough to get through than
the last one in some ways. But I am hoping
I will stop thinking of it as re-inventing myself. I believe that we all have within us who God wants
us to be. I have that man inside of me that
may be afraid to come up and out. Over this
next year the battle will be not battling the change.
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