I’m sitting in a Jack-in-the-Box Restaurant at
the corner of Citrus and Redlands Boulevard.
I want to kill about an hour before I take a Cheeseburger to Harrison so
I’m prepared to read the Vonnegut book I just started. As I’m eating I’m listening to Paul
Simon. The first song, Kodachrome, talks about the past being clear and
inviting. I get out my notebook and
write that down because I don’t have a blog topic yet. The music continues and I glance out the
window. It’s about 4:30 on a Sunday
afternoon. Cars and pedestrians are
steady. A man walks by carrying a two
gallon gas can in the direction of the Arco Station. I write that down too and a few minutes later
he walks back carrying the gas can as if it’s full.
I
have been discontent for weeks. I
haven’t realized how sulky that has made me.
Of course everyone close to me has.
When I haven’t denied being discontent and depressed, I have chastised
myself for feeling that way. I have a
wonderful family, home and job and no business feeling anything but joyful
about it all. I have tried to understand
why I feel how I feel. I asked myself: “What
do I want?” Yesterday I stared out a window
and thought about what I wanted, and tried to imagine the same question about the
people I saw.
The driver of the new black Mustang GT looks
glum about something. I convince myself
that I would never look that way behind the wheel in one of those while in the
Jack-in-the-Box drive thru. I wonder,
what emptiness is in this guy’s life?
If
I had won the latest lottery of almost uku-billion dollars I think I might have
been happy for a while. I sat at my
table with my empty Ultimate Cheeseburger wrapper and told myself that I have
simple tastes and would still eat at Jack-in-the-Box if I won the lotto. Aside from trying to buy a blimp or something
I think I would do what most people would do if I fell into a huge pot of
money. I think we would all want to pay
off debts, maybe take care of family member’s debts and get set for life with a
nice place to live. In other words, we
would try to satisfy our wants and needs.
I would assume my life would be free from troubles if all my needs were
met.
I had first put my headphones on because
there was a loony looking guy in the restaurant. Now I think I just stares at everyone in
turn. He’s been talking to himself and
switching seats. No table in the store
seems to suit him. He’s not easy to
please it seems.
Outside I see a pregnant woman get out of
her Cadillac and go into the AM/PM store.
What does she want in life? She
comes out a few minutes later with a big fountain drink, gets into her car and
drives away.
I
won’t state the cliché about what money can’t buy. You can imagine it. But how many intangible things are there that
money can’t buy? If we won the jackpot
what would we want that could not be purchased?
A kid with long hair on a scooter meets up
with another kid his age outside the gas station. They have an excited talk. The second kid makes happy, animated
gestures. They head back up the street
in the direction the first kid came, still talking. Nothing seems to be bothering them this
afternoon.
After looking out the window for
about 45 minutes I feel a little better.
I have been taking notes and imagining a blog entry. Sometimes I feel like everything I do is
futile and I don’t’ want to ever get up early and blog or write again. That is an irrational feeling and I know I’m
wrong to feel that way. Then I think of
something to write about and the feeling goes away. Maybe this is an intangible need of mine that
money couldn’t ever buy: something to write about.
A party of ten walks down the street. There are two or three adults and the rest
are kids. Two are in strollers. They go into the AM/PM and I only see a girl
and adult woman outside a few minutes later.
They are leaning against the wall of the store eating.
Some people are speeding in the right lane
passing other cars. I wonder what they
want. Are they really in a hurry or just
conditioned to drive fast? Someone pulls
out of the gas station lighting a cigarette. Another person is at the red light talking on their
cell-phone.
I
looked out the window and thought about all the people I saw and tried to imagine
what they all wanted. The pregnant lady wanted
a soda. Did she also want peace of mind and
less heartburn? I don’t know. Did the guy speeding like a manic want to get home
to see a loved one? Did he have to use the
bathroom? Was he even paying attention to
his speed and thinking about something else? Did he love the thrill of speed and was getting
exactly what he wanted then?
What was the
one kid telling the other about that was so cool?
Some people have to wait a while for a break in
traffic to turn left out of the gas station. Cars stack up behind them.
I
bought a cheeseburger before I left and took it to Harrison so he could have something
to eat before his percussion ensemble performance. I met his immediate need for some supper and that
felt good to me.
I was grateful
for the time spent looking out the window. I think I gained a little insight, or at least
a reminder that I’m not the only one who wants things, some of which no amount of
money can buy. That was a healthy dose of
perspective. If I don’t count the meal I
bought, that experience cost me nothing.
I don’t want
to assume that this blog meets anyone’s needs but mine. It’s never my goal to teach a lesson. If I can share some perspective that I have picked
up, then that’s good.
No comments:
Post a Comment