Carrying what Matters

     I thought I’d remembered everything. At least I did remember the most important thing, which was my folder with the driving directions and the latest printed copy of my testimony. I had been in touch with a Celebrate Recovery at another church to go give my testimony last Thursday. As the week went by, I didn’t do a whole lot of fretting over it because I had been busy at work and at home. I had taken the time to read over the testimony, which can be painful in some parts. I actually fixed a word or two and printed it out in a big point font to be able to read it off a podium.  

     I left work at 5pm and went home to get my stuff and change my shoes. The family was there after a visit to the Palm Springs Air Museum. I had wanted to go, but wasn’t really able to get off of work. When I was getting my binder Nathaniel came up to me and gave me a rubber bracelet, the kind that lots of people wear for various causes and beliefs. This one said

Perseverance Against All Adversity    Tuskegee Airman

     I slipped the bracelet into my pocket and thanked Nathaniel. I told him I hoped to hear all about the museum the next day. I got in my truck and left.

     The drive was uneventful until I got to Colton and the street I wanted was a one-way. I had to drive farther, turn left twice and right once to get to my street. Thankfully, I had looked at the aerial map and knew what my destination looked like. I parked my truck in front of the church and went in. I was early but there were folks there who were happy to see me.

     When the ministry leader arrived, they had a pizza dinner and let me eat for free seeing as I was their guest speaker. Before the meeting started, we had a prayer and someone asked me if I was nervous. I wasn’t. I’ve read my testimony before and I don’t have a problem speaking in front of crowds. I understand that public speaking is a common fear, but I don’t have it. I would rather address a crowd of strangers than make a phone call or deal with a gaggle of ladies in charge of the church kitchen.

     The worship started. I was feeling alright, calm. I love worship music. Then my heart skipped. I thought of something that I didn’t have. My talisman. It was a little hair loop with wooden beads. I had found it in our flat in Budapest 17 years ago and for some reason, I had it in my pocket when I bungee-jumped in 1997. So I took it with me every time I read my testimony. And tonight, I didn’t have it. So I got nervous. I don’t believe in lucky charms. That’s what I told myself. But the truth is, I believe in comfort objects. I believe in token reminders of past achievements. I had had this thing in my pocket every time before, and I felt I really needed it this time too. But it was a dozen miles away tucked in a little box with other useless items, a torn-in-half dollar bill, a few cough drops, lots of little metal things I pick up when I’m vacuuming, and a roll of cherry Life-Savers that’s at least 5 years old.

     I was without my talisman. But I hadn’t forgotten what I did have in my pocket. I got out the bracelet from Nathaniel and pulled it over my left wrist. The sharp contrast softened as soon as I did and I relaxed. Everything was okay. I reached into my man-purse, pulled out a notebook and wrote the words: forgot my talisman, but any one will do for my next blog. I really did feel like it was all okay.    

     I was surprised at how my alarm had completely vanished. This proved that it isn’t what I carry in my pocket. The hair loop thing had been with me when I was courageous and it was a good reminder that I could step out in courage and share my story. But when I didn’t need courage, just assurance, I had that too. The little rubber bracelet was from a 10 year-old who has a heart as big as a bungee jump.

When I stood up to give my testimony, I took my eyeglasses off and could not make out the faces in the crowd. I could see my printed paper in front of me and I did feel nervous. I always forget that it does settle gently on me. But I felt the bracelet on my wrist and that is what I needed.

Maybe next time I give my testimony I should not have any reminder of anything with me. But I don’t know what that will prove. As long as I remember that when I share my story, it’s not for my glorification. I am sharing what Celebrate Recovery did for me as an encouragement to others. And I am sharing what God did for me and continues to do. Regardless of what I have in my pocket or around my wrist, I won’t be without what I am there to share.

Bombastic Glorification

     I’m a little torn between bombastic showmanship and humility. The right choice is of course being humble. But here’s a confession: I like to show off, just like I did in that first sentence when I could have said pretentious instead of bombastic. Last Friday night I read my testimony at the Celebrate Recovery meeting at Judson Baptist Church in San Bernardino. I had given my testimony just over a year ago at my home church. Over the course of a year a lot can happen. So I had updated it.

     I added on how I am stepping up into the leadership position of our group. I also told more about how over the past year I have discovered more about myself though my second step study. A static year is not a good year and I was blessed to not just add things, but good things. Working on the update, I read over the text that I had written last year and was pretty happy with it otherwise. It was obvious to me that I had gone over it meticulously before delivering it last time. I am picky about my writing all the time anyway. But I had made every word count in my testimony. Each sentence was as good as I could make it. It’s how I will have to work eventually when I am ready to present something for consideration to publish.

     I read over the testimony and felt it was good enough, but I wanted to add something. So I took a scene out of the memoir I’m writing, the opening scene. I condensed it down and changed it to be able to fit in with the rest of my work. I was particularly pleased with how my testimony was now “bookended” starting and ending talking about a voice calling to me.

This opening scene talks about how I nearly left my son Jamie, who was one year old at the time, at the Costco register. I walked away, leaving my son behind only to be shouted back by the clerk to get him. Of course I had the feeling that I was missing someone. I ignored the feeling just like I ignored the clerk calling me. In my testimony, I state I was used to the feeling that someone was missing because I had lost Naomi weeks before.

My overall testimony has its light moments. The first time I gave it, there were a few chuckles here and there. Conversely of course, when I shared the part where Naomi dies even I cried. But the second time I gave the testimony with the “extended” beginning, there were no laughs at all, just tears from the listeners. I started out with a story that jerked the rug out from under everyone who was listening. I set a serious tone for the whole thing. I changed how the whole thing was received.

And what I am confessing here today is that I added the enticing incident on, not to make my testimony more relatable, but to show off. I used to love acting, and maybe I still do. But now I write. I stood up there and read my testimony, but I also tried to showcase my writing. How wrong was it? Wasn’t it okay to try to provide an engaging story as well as an encouraging one that inspired others? Sure it was. But what was my main desire? Was it to encourage others or to show off? The big question was this: Who was I trying to glorify? That is something I need to examine in myself.

The truth is if I want to show off, I can do it here. And readers can choose to ignore me or even message me and call me on it. Roadwalker is a writing exercise. It’s where I practice my and stick to writing at least once a week. If I show off, at least I am doing in a venue where it’s not unexpected.

But even if I get grandiloquent here, I promise I will always be truthful. I am a little nervous that I was very truthful in this entry. Perhaps being verbose like this is something of a defense mechanism to distract from that truth. Maybe if I was serious about stretching my writing chops, I would experiment in a straightforward, simple style. Maybe.

I am going to change my testimony again before I deliver it next time, which is October 4^th at Yucaipa Christian Church. I may delete the whole opening scene, or I might just edit it so that it still engages the listeners but doesn’t set a dirge-like tone. My prayer however, is that I don’t make it about me.

I have received a lot of support when it has been time to deliver my testimony. Thanks everyone for that. So far, it has not gotten any easier. I make it easier for myself by showcasing my writing. Maybe it’s not wrong.