It’s
hard not to feel like I’m walking on air when I walk out of an office supply
store with a spiral-bound copy of the second draft of my novel. I wrote the
first draft of Sidewinder last November for National Novel Writing Month. I
thought that after that, I would pick back up on writing my memoir. But I
didn’t, Sidewinder was too fun. And I thought that if I could complete a second
draft, then I would have gone further than I ever had in writing something. I
started the second draft in January and wrote sporadically, usually about 3
days a week. When I injured my foot I put in a few good days of binge writing.
Then this April I accepted a challenge called 30 day Hustle. I resolved to
complete the second draft of Sidewinder, and achieved my goal.
So
now I have a second draft. It is not close to flawless and needs a lot of work
before I would consider publication. But I am offering it for critique. I have
one printed copy and electronic versions available that can be read on a tablet
or e-reader. So far, my feedback is what I expected, great characters and a
good ending. No-one had mentioned what I fear is still a weakness; the middle
is a little dull.
I
have been advised to post a snippet of the novel. So here it an
excerpt from near the beginning of the novel where to characters meet again.(a brief explanation first)
Jerusha Cartwright is following a young man,
thinking he’s in need of help. What she doesn’t realize is that it’s Mundy
Gilbert, a con-man who has been left behind by his fellow tricksters. They just
completed swindling a church out of most of its money, Jerusha’s church. Mundy
is trying to find a new gang to join and it looks like he’s found one. Jerusha
is looking for the person she just saw at a distance wearing a long tan coat
and looking miserable. If she could perhaps buy him a meal and share the gospel
with him, perhaps she could feel better too.
Sidewinder
chapter 5 excerpt.
A man with a jester’s hat was
standing behind a tall crate with three cups on it. Mundy counted five other
people around and one had already spotted him, so he put on an innocent
interest look and walked closer. The jester noticed him too, but kept up what
he was doing, which was sliding the cups over the top of the crate with a
casual expression, like someone painting a wall.
Mundy took in each of the men.
The one who spotted him right away, that was the lookout. Of the four others
there, three were also working with the jester. Two musclemen, and a plant. The
plant had a suitcase like a traveler. The single remaining man with the nicest
shoes was the mark. He stood behind the man with the suitcase and watched the
cups being moved.
The jester stopped the cup’s
motion and yanked his hand’s away. “Whoa,” he said. “I think I lost track
myself here. Where’d the steelie go?”
Mundy watched the plant, the man
with the suitcase place a twenty down in front of a cup. The jester lifted the
cup and groaned when the steel ball was under it. He handed the man a twenty
from his belt as the man took back his own twenty. Then the jester slammed the
cup back down.
“I’m watching it this time,” he
said and began swishing the cups around again.
Mundy crept a little closer and
looked at the men. Yes, of the six men here watching, only one of them was a
mark. The rest appeared to be interested or wanting to play, but they were all
working together. The man behind the jester was the lookout and there were two
strongmen. The man with the suitcase was there to make the game look easy to
win so the mark would make a big bet.
The jester whooped and stopped
the cups again. The plant was holding both twenties and looked at the three
cups. He brought the two bills down to one cup, but didn’t let go. Mundy
watched the mark hold his breath. Then the man moved his bills to another cup
and dropped them.
The jester lifted the cup to
reveal the ball. “Somebody help me!” he said. “This dude is going to clean me
out.” He handed the plant two more twenties. The man smiled, then looked at his
timepiece.
“Yeah, get gone man,” the jester
said. “Give somebody else a chance.”
The plant pocketed the bills and
turned to leave. As the mark stepped to the crate, one of the musclemen bumped
against Mundy, blocking his way. Mundy’s skills hadn’t left him and he worked
quickly. Then he watched the jester drop the ball and shuffle the cups. He
raised a cup once to show the ball was still there, then whirled the cups
again.
They let the man win once. Then
the man tripled his bet. They had him figured out well. Mundy watched the steel
ball go up the jester’s sleeve. The man lost once, then two more times. When he
had lost several hundred he turned and left.
The men started packing up and
Mundy stepped forward.
“Take a hike kid,” the jester
said. “We’re done for now.”
Mundy produced two twenties.
“Come on, let me try,” he said.
The jester looked at the money
and then glanced at the lookout who nodded. Then he shrugged and set up the
crate again. Mundy figured they wouldn’t even let him win once. They had a good
enough take for now and would just make another quick win.
The cups spun around. Mundy
watched the ball appear under one lifted cup once, then they spun around again.
That’s when Mundy lifted his gaze from the crate to the jester’s face. The man
blinked in surprise.
“Hey, keep your eyes on the
cups,” he said. “Hey, you’re going to lose, kid. You’d better keep watching the
ball.”
“It’s not under a cup anymore,”
Mundy said. “It’s stuck to your wrist where you got a magnet.”
The man straightened up. His face
darkened and he pulled off the jester’s cap. The friendly gamer was gone and here
was the street thug. The other men closed in.
Mundy shrugged. “What?” he said.
“I guessed right didn’t I? Gimmie my winnings.”
“No, you lost kid,” said the
strongman who had blocked him. He reached for the bills in Mundy’s fist. Mundy
pulled his hand away, then offered the money over.
“Sure, take it,” he said. “It’s
yours.”
“Good boy,” the man said.
“No. I mean it’s really yours,”
Mundy said. “I pinched your billfold when you blocked me from your mark.” He
held up a cowhide billfold bursting with currency notes.
The man’s hand shot to his hip
and his eyes widened. The other strongman grabbed Mundy from behind and the
first man reached out and snatched his billfold back. Mundy felt the man behind
him tighten his grip and he braced himself.
“Whoa,” the capless jester said,
holding up a hand. “This kid’s good.” He looked at Mundy. “Where’d you work?”
“Core worlds,” Mundy said, trying
to ignore the strongmen. “Tau-Ceti and around there.”
“Tau-Ceti, huh? Who was your
boss?”
“I was small time, just paid tribute
to some locals for the bulls, that’s all,” Mundy said. He looked around at the
men all looking at him now. “Guy’s, I just need some work, okay?”
The lookout who had been standing
behind the jester stepped up. He took Mundy by the chin and pulled his head
back and forth as if examining a horse for sale. The man behind Mundy kept a
tight hold.
Here’s the boss, Mundy thought.
The small time boss at least. No real boss would be doing the fieldwork. But if
he could get in here, it would be enough. Now just show them I know how to shut
up.
“He’s got a sweet face,” the man
said. “Could be a good plant.”
“I’ve been a plant,” Mundy
risked.
“Yeah, I think we could use him,”
the boss said with a nod. Then he turned to leave.
“Hey,” said the strongman Mundy
had robbed. “Ain’t we going to jump him in then?”
Mundy sighed. He’d been jumped in
before, beaten up as a part of initiation. But that had always been in a gang
of kids. He didn’t think that grown up gangs like this really did that. They
probably didn’t actually. This big guy just wanted some kicks.
The boss didn’t look back. “Don’t
mess up the face,” he said and kept walking.
Fine, Mundy thought. He could
take a few good hits to the gut. They wouldn’t mess him up too bad, especially
if they did it right here. His arms were cinched even tighter behind him and
the strongman looked him up and down, rubbing his hands together. He was
wearing cowboy boots with steel tips.
Come on and get it over with,
Mundy thought. He tried to think of a way to get the guy started already
without too much reckoning.
“Whose picture is in your
billfold?” he asked. “She’s ugly enough to back a buzzard off a meat wagon.”
The jester guffawed and the
strongman dropped his fists, looking even more shocked then when he had
discovered his billfold gone. His face went red. He clenched his jaw and raised
his fists again. But now he was angry, this wouldn’t be a calculated assault
now. An angry beating was always better. Mundy took a deep breath as the man
brought his fist back.
“There you are!” a voice called.
Faces turned to the alleyway entrance and Mundy tried to turn and look too, but
couldn’t move enough. Finally a tall woman in a long dress came into view.
Mundy knew that dress, and the voice too. He ducked his head down.
“Hey lady,” the jester’s voice
said. “This is private business. Be on your way now, okay?”
The woman’s voice was cold and
calm. “You boys let him go,” she said. “Do it now and I won’t scream. There are
policemen out in the lower level and they will come running when I do.”
It was quiet for a moment, then
Mundy heard shuffling of boots and his arms were released. He was happy to have
escaped the beating, but really wanted to join up with the gang. And he didn’t
want to stay here with this woman. He turned away from her and watched them
walk away down the hallway.
“Okay honey, they’re gone.”
Mundy dropped his head again. She
hadn’t recognized him. Maybe she would just leave now. But he felt a gentle
hand touch his cheek and lift his face. Then he was looking into the eyes of the
woman who had held him last night and sung him the lullaby. Her mouth had a
kind smile that put lines around her sparkling blue-green eyes. Mundy tried to
look away, but then her grip tightened and he felt her nails. Mundy watched the
lines around her eyes vanish and her face harden. He mouth opened slightly and
a small hiss came out.
Mundy barely saw it coming. Her
whole body moved like a striking snake. Her fist connected with his mouth and
he felt his body bounce off the wall and hit the floor.
There
you have it, a short excerpt from Sidewinder. If you would like to download an
copy for an e-reader, here is the link: https://www.dropbox.com/sh/ioa1v7k01d7ngdz/vd2EKVsUvd
I
would appreciate any feedback before I start the third draft. I know that
sooner or later, I must get to work on the memoir. That is what I feel I am
called to share.